It’s Time to Go Back to School (Hopefully)
As always at this time of year, we’re forced to leave behind our memories of summer and vacation and start focusing on the new school year — that is, the new working year. There are some basic routines we should establish for a smooth return to the cold world of effort, work, and post-vacation blues.
Buying Clothes
Going to the mall at the end of August, when you can still remember the natural landscapes, vast beaches, and relaxing sunsets, is an exciting experience. There’s nowhere to park, your size isn’t available in any style, there’s a line to pay, a line to avoid paying, a line to queue… And people, generally speaking, aren’t in a good mood. Nobody buying their work uniform after vacation can be in a good mood unless they’re crazy. People forget that God didn’t reward us with work; it was a punishment. My advice is to buy everything you can online. That way, the pants will be six sizes too big, which is a great excuse to tell your boss you can’t come back to work: “You don’t want me accidentally flashing my bum at the customers, do you?” (Not a valid excuse if you work in a nightclub.)
New Backpack
More and more adults are going to work with backpacks. There are also more and more adults who reason like four-year-olds. Personally, I’m still a fan of the briefcase, because it’s important to distinguish adults from children, and a backpack is still genuinely for school. Anyway, if you’re the type who wears sneakers with a suit, if you go to work in a baseball cap, and if you have a girlfriend 20 years younger than you, you can wear a backpack — and you can even choose a Peppa Pig backpack. This year, I decided to combine both concepts and bought a Pink Panther briefcase that I’ll combine with my usual funeral-home-worker outfit, in homage to John Belushi. I’m still not brave enough to wear a cap. Give me time.
Pencils
No serious adult uses pencils at work. We grown-ups write with pens because in life you have to know how to leave a record of your mistakes. However, using brand-new pencils and erasers is an unparalleled feeling, so you shouldn’t deprive yourself of it. The smell is unmistakable, and they don’t leak ink in your pocket. At most, they might prick your nipple if they’re brand-new, freshly sharpened, and you’re carrying them in your shirt pocket. That said, only use them in private if you’re not in the trades. An adult with a pencil in his hand will inevitably always look like a carpenter.
Back to the Psychologist
Your therapist will have returned from vacation and forgotten all your crazy ideas. Perhaps it’s a good idea to schedule another biweekly appointment so you can show them that you’re considerably crazier and more depressed than before you went on vacation. If you bribe them, you might find a good opportunity to get sick leave, which is the main goal we all have at the beginning of the school year.
Decorating Your Office
The best way to decorate your office is to share it with a colleague. She’ll do it for you. Women have an uncanny knack for throwing out your disgusting plastic plants, replacing them with a live orchid, and, most importantly, keeping it alive. The last time I put a plant in my office, it died within two weeks. And it was plastic.
Taking the Kids to School
The real problem with taking the kids to school isn’t getting them there, but getting them out of bed. My father used a foolproof trick all through September: the water pitcher. I won’t elaborate.
Greeting Colleagues
On your first day in the office, slightly raise your chin as you enter while letting out a small grunt.
Greeting the Boss
Assume a prostrate, Islamic-style posture while discreetly polishing the tips of his shoes with the end of your tie. If you do it first thing in the morning, I reckon that by midday you’ll be able to do what you really wanted to do: ask for a raise. It’s day one after the holidays, so take advantage of it. He’s still in a good mood.
Clearing Your Desk
You’re kidding, right?
Adapt Your Sleep
During the summer, you’ve been going to bed at the crack of dawn, and sometimes with more alcohol in your blood than the health authorities recommend. But now you must become something purer, cleaner, more orderly, and more natural. The transition from Vacation Mode to Work Mode is like going from being Hunter Biden to being a head of broccoli.
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